Starting tomorrow we finally get to live in the same house, in the same city, all week – not just on weekends. I am so excited …. and nervous. It’s been over three years – so much has changed. And yet, this is what we have been waiting for.
So – I think it’s time to renegotiate.
Sir, it’s been awhile since I have posted anything. Mostly because I have avoided all things D/s. I continue to struggle with the “does he really want this or am I pushing him into something I want.” Then you remind me again – little steps, it takes time.
For this week, the little thing was at the beginning of the week. Money has always been an issue with us. Not the amount of money we have (which has always fluctuated between little and none), but, rather, how we handle financial issues. Since my educational background is more business oriented, you have always said I am better at it, so I should handle it. Truth is …… I’ve always hated that. I feel like I have to be the “parent” in the relationship – not your partner. So, since we have started down this path – and you have made our finances a weekly discussion – I feel so much better. But, Monday was exactly what I needed. After running into a snag — again — you said “here’s what we’re going to do,” then did it. We aren’t in any better or worse place financially, but I feel loved, cared for, and protected by you.
Thought you should know. 🙂
To submit to you, I have to give up control. That’s where I’m struggling.
I came home from work yesterday – upset, unable to concentrate, out of control of my emotions. I had written a blog for you and you told me you read it and we would discuss this weekend, yet you seemed distant – maybe upset, maybe not – either way, I didn’t know and I couldn’t control it. So, I decided last night – no more blogs. That’s what I do, AVOID anything that makes me feel out of control.
I don’t know why, but I don’t want to need anyone. I want to know that I am a a strong, capable person. I can accomplish anything I want, if I set my mind to it. Besides, how can I do the job I do if I am not in control – always.
Submission means I have to give up control. I say to you that I want to, and yet, I continue to find ways to, in my mind, keep control. I keep my emotions to myself, I make decisions unilaterally, I control what I tell you and when. Yet, I feel resentful and unfulfilled.
Truth is … I don’t know if I can do this.
Doesn’t matter what it is – good, bad, funny, frustrating, scary – you’re the first person I want to share with. Like today, I couldn’t wait until I got to my car so I could call you. I don’t think you really understood how I felt – cheap, dirty, not the professional that I know I am – but you listened. Then you told me you loved me and that I was beautiful. Exactly what I needed.
This weekend was great – we got to spend time as a couple with new friends. This weekend sucked – we went back to the same old stuff – you upset with me for not doing what or being where you wanted me, but not telling me what that was. Yet, when it comes down to it, you’re the one I want to be with, turn to, rely on.
So, I guess I do the same when I don’t tell you how I feel. I feel frustrated that I have to guess at why you’re upset. I feel like I have to choose between making you happy and being honest, being me. I am afraid that if I just let go, be real, tell you everything – you won’t like it, you will be upset or angry about it.
Still …… at the end of the day …… I will turn to you, Sir.
Seems to happen more often now – or maybe I just notice it more because I’m paying attention. I hear the ‘sigh’ and then the sound of frustration over the phone when I forget something or don’t realize something you think I should. But, I don’t do it on purpose.
I don’t intentionally forget to lock my door, or turn off the curling iron, or eat lunch, or call periodically when I’m on the road – I just forget. I don’t know why I sometimes question you or give direction – I’m just trying to help. I don’t know why I “read too much into” things (as you say) – it makes sense to me in the moment.
So – I guess what I’m asking is, even after all these years, bear with me. Know that I am trying – I know you care for me and want the best for me. And, I want the same for you, Sir.
May be overthinking – but, I can’t seem to help it. A couple weeks ago we decided to back off – enjoy the weekends – quit putting so much pressure on ourselves. It feels to me like we’re just going to back to the way we were – except I’m more deferential to you. I’m still trying to make sure I don’t upset you on the weekends – making sure I’m as upbeat as possible because things are so much better when you’re in a good mood – making sure your needs are met so things go more smoothly.
I started thinking – maybe D/s isn’t for us. Seems like you’re happy with the way things were as long as we’re more sexually adventurous. I still make the decisions and keep a smile on my face, so we’re good. I can do that – what I can’t do is to continue to push for something that isn’t what you want.
I know you love me – and I you. As you know, I’ve talked to others about different aspects of D/s and I’m told to be patient and to find things for you to read that show you how I feel. I can’t do that – I’ve tried. I just feel like it’s me trying to change you, working toward something you don’t want, but will do for me. It’s too hard, too emotional.
So, I guess what I’m saying is wherever you want this to go – you have to decide. I’ll be here no matter what – loving you.
Sir – you asked me to keep blogging, so I am. This weekend was great for me. We were able to relax and enjoy each other.
But, the thing that I enjoyed the most was how you did things you wanted to do. You took what you needed and you got it from me. In the process – I got what I needed as well.
Thank you, Sir.